Citizens of the Internet! – On *How* to Review

Sometimes you just don’t know what to say. That’s okay. Because…

So when the cat has got your tongue there’s no need for dismay/ just summon up this word and then you’ve got a lot to say!/ but better use it carefully or it could change your life…
– Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, Mary Poppins

I will let you in on a secret, friends. I will disclose some of my own statistics with you. This isn’t something I do often (in fact it’s something I do never, because it’s not proper or polite to do so, but I’m trying to prove a point), but it is something that I think you should consider. I receive, on average, about 7 – 10 emails a day from Fanfiction.net’s automated email service letting me know that something has happened with me or one of my stories (ex: a favorite, a follow, an author favorite, etc.). Out of these 7 – 10 emails, maybe just one is a review. Maybe. If I’m lucky that day.

Look, I’ve gone over this before but maybe the problem isn’t about wanting to review, maybe it’s more you just don’t know how. FEAR NOT! I have come with a fool-proof method of leaving a review that will be quick, easy, and painless for all parties involved:

I am (Apparently) Disgusting – On Who I Write for and Why

So, I’m not necessarily a ranting kind of person. I try to keep this blog about writing and fandom and being awesome as a fan-fiction author. But, sometimes I feel like a rant is necessary, and so it happens occasionally. After all, I am human, and therefore prone to bouts of venting and screaming and crying like a child (sometimes all at once). I have managed to try and stay relatively neutral in my thoughts and concerns, and for the most part I feel like I’ve succeeded.

But every once in a while I get something and I just feel as though I need to share my thoughts.

This came to me this morning:

So that’s it.

I disgust some random reader, who hides behind anonymity and doesn’t even give me the opportunity to defend myself against his or her criticism. Let me break down why I am frustrated by this and try to turn it into something positive. Even though I highly doubt this reviewer will read this post, perhaps it will help you stop yourself from making a similar mistake.

Pipe the F*ck Down – On How to Take a Chill-Pill

Calm down.

Take a breath.

I know, you just want your rug back. I know, it really tied the room together.

I know.

Aaaaaaaand…. relax.

Okay? Are we all sufficiently calmed down so I can stress you out even more? Yes? Good. So, let’s get this over so we can get on with life.

Boinking with a Baby in the Bedroom – Keep Your Kids Out of My Romance

I recently had a conversation with a peer of mine and I mentioned that I wasn’t sure how I felt about children. I will admit that as years progress me through life, I become increasingly more vocal about how I feel about them: they’re smelly, loud, sticky, and a whole slew of other adjectives that are not always appropriate to utter in polite company. When faced with these comments, she made a face contorted in confusion, like I was crazy (because, since I am in ownership of a uterus, I should  automatically want them), and said to me, “But they’re little miracles. How can you not want them?”

My response to her was a shrug, followed quickly with: “I’m selfish.”

This is how I feel about my romance in general. In real life or in the world of fiction, I’m selfish. I like to keep my fantasies to myself, and I don’t want children in it. My logic behind it is simple: it’s really hard to get busy when there is a baby involved. 

Feeding the Sarlacc Pit – Why Reviews are Needed

I really wish I had a funny and poignant quote, but I’m drawing a blank.

This post was spawned by a conversation I was having with a new friend of mine on the concept that reviews are like crack to a fan-fiction author.

Fanfiction.net is an amazing place that gives a fan-fiction author a million different tools to watch and monitor their stories. I have graphs and charts and tables and all these tools to view who is reading what, and what is “trending”, and what is the most popular, and numbers numbers numbers! Algorithms! Math! Science and things!

Look, that’s all fine and dandy, but it does me no good in the end. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I can sit there and look at charts and views per page, but it doesn’t tell me why certain stories are more interesting than others. It doesn’t tell me why I have people re-reading chapters and stories. It doesn’t tell me why people leave at the fourth chapter and don’t finish the story. It tells me none of these things, and (as a writer) this is what I thrive on. It’s what I need in order to grow as a writer. It’s what anyone needs to grow as a writer. Which leaves all of that information up to you.

Yes, I’m looking at you.